Parenting without 'harsh words'

The quotes around 'harsh words' in the title are because it was the topic of today's Proverb -- see posting below this one.

It got me thinking. What is it that makes it so difficult to parent without raising your voice or speaking in anger? (There's a book I want to read but haven't yet, called "Homeschooling with a Gentle and Quiet Spirit" by Terri Maxwell. (I may have somewhat butchered title and/or author.)

But without reading the book, I think the cause of much 'angry parenting' comes down to a few things. First, and probably primarily, a lack of understanding of true discipline. Discipline is NOT: When my kids make me mad enough, I'll punish them. It is also NOT: I'll tell them again and again, ignoring their disobedience, until I finally lose my temper and yell.

Discipline IS: 1) Making sure the expected standards are understood by gentle, persistent instruction; 2) Immediately giving age-appropriate and situation-appropriate consequences for EVERY violation of standards**. (Caveat: yes, I know the goal of disciplining EVERY time is pathetically unattainable, but you'll come closer if you have the goal than if you don't!) Part of the discipline should be requiring any necessary apologies; and 3) following up the discipline with expressing your love and forgiveness for the wrong they've done.

How does this keep a parent from being an angry parent? The anger that results from allowing a child to disobey and disobey and disobey until you finally lose your temper is eliminated if the disobedience is dealt with gently and firmly the first time.

The other issues which can bring up parental anger are a lack of patience and understanding with the fact that sometimes, the way children behave isn't bad, but it is irritating to adults. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal with it, as long as they're not being ill-mannered. (It's okay to explain after the umpteenth "Look at me!" that it's not good manners to demand constant attention and you're done looking for now. It also helps them begin to grasp that they're not the center of attention.)

I may follow up with more later. See the note below on what I meant by age/situation appropriateness.

**By age-appropriate, I mean something that will prove effective without being overly harsh. For example, don't tell a two-year old who just hit a sibling, "You can't have dessert tonight." That's age-inappropriate because a 2 yr. old can't think that far in advance to care about dessert tonight, and situation-inappropriate because dessert has nothing to do with hitting a brother.